Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:

Other dads:

“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*

My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.

friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times

Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.

The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.

“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”

Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.

I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’

I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue

Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend

I was under the delusion I’m normal until I learned I’m the only person who wears pants to zoom meetings.

No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them

Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.

Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.

I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔

wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched

I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: But i thought we were happy

Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me

Me: You leave eclair bear out of this

They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.

Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.

The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded

‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.

If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.

Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar

Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.

[First day as a Waiter]

Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.

Me: Probably what killed it.

*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.

me trying to get a bartender’s attention