Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.

Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?

I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳

Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.

Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.

M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim

*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..

* whole family gasps while gazing intently*

Me: …so many…DM Rooms

Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context

Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.

Then we met.

I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate

If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.

Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.

[putting away groceries]

I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist

broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him

(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast

If you love something, set it free.

(Does not apply to ferrets.)*

*I am no longer allowed on the subway.

Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.

Cop: Have you been drinking sir?

Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.

Cop: Step out of the vehicle.

Me: Sprite.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?

Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

Dear Samsung,

please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.

Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.

5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.

Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.

My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.

I came, I saw, I got allergies

~ Julius Sneezer