Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.

GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son

GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..

Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.

Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.

‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch

Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.

Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”

reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards

“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”

– Adam & Eve on laundry day

I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.

You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.

Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes

HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!

UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo

Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.

You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.

I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…

… my lifetime.

Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.

date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in

Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.

Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.

My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day

Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?

Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.

Hostess:

Me: Write it down.

this is the most cat thing ive ever seen

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.