Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*brings therapist to family gathering*

Me: See?

Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ

Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*

Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.

Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.

The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse

I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase

What I say: “Agree to disagree”

What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”

I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy

Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.

[20 minutes after it stops raining]

ME: *turns off windshield wipers*

I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.

Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this

Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???

Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?

My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him

40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU

Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise

Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.

My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”

iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16

I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!

If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.

God: But if you use your sting you will die.

Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?

God: Err…

They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this

“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.

Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.