her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
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5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’
“our sushi is very fresh”
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.