Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.

If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin

Me: I just really want to kick this habit

Therapist: You want to kick nuns?

Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction

Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?

Me: punching nuns

My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding

Person: I really DO want your honest advice

Me: NO you don’t

P: I DO

Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out

P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?

God: But if you use your sting you will die.

Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?

God: Err…

*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*

I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.

It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.

DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..

~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs

IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?

*First bite of pancakes

“This is the greatest food ever!”

*Last bite of pancakes

“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”

The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.

*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*

I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help

baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy

I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.

Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.

Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers

Taxidermist: you’re fired