Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog

My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.

If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning

[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later

Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me

“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”

*vending machines have entered the chat*

We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.

Basketball

Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.

I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.

People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.

Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job

People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.

I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available

my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met

I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.

Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.

Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.

Proofread twice, hang posters once

Even Forrest Gump got laid.

This is bullshit.

I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud

Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you

All my money goes to the poor…poor me.

I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

Dammit.

Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.

The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.

ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.