The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
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They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising