Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
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The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”