Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”

Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?

Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before

Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.

More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.

And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.

So cis people are super normal

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it

Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.

Final Destination: Holiday Edition.

Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.

😂😂

*Screaming at kids at soccer practice

LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.

Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.

Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you

Husband: well you’re here with me

Me: oh yeah

Husband: and we’re at a funeral

embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)

Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.

Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!

Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”

[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]

it was a valiant fight

In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.

Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.

Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not

“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.

I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.

Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”

Her: What are you doing this weekend?

Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff