Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.

Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.

Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.

I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.

just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life

One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.

put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream

When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery

,,,and send

My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.

I really had high hopes for this year though

me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk

terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet

me: what

terrorist: with sock

me: no

I put my pants on like everyone else.

with hope they still fit.

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.

People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.

The beauty industry:

For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen

For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow

Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.

Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.

Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.

[First date]

Her dad: I want her home before midnight

Me: but you already own her home

Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

{swallowed by a whale}

Me: gross. It’s so-

Whale: don’t you say it

Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!

Whale: *throws me up*

Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.

Wow 🤣

Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.

Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.

parents: you are what you eat
kids: