Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending

Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.

Me: The door’s locked

Salt: Push it

Me: It’s locked

Pepa: Push it

Me: That won’t work, think of something else

Salt:

Pepa:

Salt:

Pepa:

Both: Push it real good?

I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao

I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles

Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?

Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!

Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.

Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason

The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.

The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.

Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?

Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.

Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.

Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on

How old people make use of canes:

10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.

🍛

just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??

[doing crunches]

Me: get it? ab solution?

Priest: so excommunicated

This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.

I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.

When exactly does the strong part kick in?

*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.

*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!

I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’

ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish

DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian

ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?

People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.

Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.

(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!

Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that

watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person

My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”

Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why

Cigarette: Hey buddy.

Me: I don’t smoke anymore.

Cigarette: But buddy.

Me: NO.

Cigarette: Buddy?

Me: You do make a good point. Fine.