Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao

I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms

Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic

waiter: would you like a box

me: how is it prepared

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.

I live alone, but still.

So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?

instagram: look at my new boyfriend

twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend

reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours

[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*

An owl showing some catlike behavior.

Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler

I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”

This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would

me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”

korean waiter: we do not serve this dish

My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]

Niece: do you have a friend?

How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist

*duck waddles into bar

Duck: Bread

*bartender takes slice out of bag

D (angry): Just leave the loaf

Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.

Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.

Me: You’re absolutely right.

[buys the concert tickets]

“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime

him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night

me: yeah they say most people do

him: but they’re usually asleep

me (crunching): semantics semantics

him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth

oh u like history? name everything that happened

Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS

Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.

Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.

Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume