Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I have a toothache.

WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: 24 glasses of milk

Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?

Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag

Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”

Me – “No sir, they are my children.”

Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”

Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”

Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”

coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?

me: no thanks i’m not hungry

It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave

I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat

I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”

She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”

Why?

“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.

Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image

*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*

(When someone insults something you like.)

“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”

(When someone insults something you hate.)

“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”

The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.

Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).

For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.

Email translations:

“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious

“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious

“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious

“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious

“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious

“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious

7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww

I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right

I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.

The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.

Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.

[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?

Married with Children was much funnier on TV.

what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie

I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.