Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
You Might Also Like
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Bruh
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Big Sex has us all fooled
#Caturday
Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Just a bush.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
good morning
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
He’s dead
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second