I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
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Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
All is fair in drunk and war.
i still think about this 10yr old post a lot
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
mathematically impossible
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*