Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”

*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying

[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house

Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon

when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market

I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her

Simple enough.

I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.

*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*

Me: want a piece?

Her: wrong, whole.

Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail

Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers

Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China

Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.

My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing

My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?

I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!

Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.

the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it

[traffic stop]

COP: where ya headed?

ME: on my way home

COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*

ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you

Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”

Therapist: Would you date yourself?

Me: No, I deserve better…

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.

Cop: license and registration

Me: that won’t be necessary officer

*places a glazed donut in his pocket

As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.

Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.

Bon appetit!

[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS

My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby