Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
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Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]