CRYING
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Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
The USS B port
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday: