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they should invent a rest for the wicked
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks