I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
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I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.
Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.
Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.
You’re never too old to follow your dreams.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion