Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato

We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.

In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.

me: i’d like to go to this place

google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking

me: no i’m driv-

google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.

Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…

I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”

Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.

What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?

Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!

I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t

I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.

I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’

If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.

guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood

People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding

Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…

me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times

WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?

ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools

Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.

Wanna see awkward?

Hand me a baby.

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.