Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.

Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.

Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended

They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon

I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?

We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.

Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.

Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.

J: But, I’m only 13!

S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!

J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*

– Shakespeare Pressure

shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo

wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”

we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.

“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs

Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?

Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅

[walks date home]

HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?

ME: I gotta work early

HER: I have 2 dogs

ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]

“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds

One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.

When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.

Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him

~ cats

*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!

Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?

I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”

professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM

Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs

Doctor:

Me: ok reese’s eggs

accurate

Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police

Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.

Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?

My boss calls me “The computer”

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.

Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!