Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.

9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*

My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.

But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

*does Basic Instinct leg cross*

*remembers I’m wearing jeans*

You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.

There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.

Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.

Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.

I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.

WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record

[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers

I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.

[first day as an ambulance driver]

ME: *crashes into a light pole*

PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet

I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

Laundry is racist!!

Must separate the whites from the colors!!

No delicates allowed?

Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“

Me- “tf did you just call me?”

“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?

If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.

CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?

ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!

DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?

I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.

The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.

me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”

They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.

“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”

These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.

How to start a diet:

1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1

wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!

Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.