Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion

RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?

this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.

-my 12yo complimenting dinner

The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.

“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful

Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.

My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO

If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.

[zombie movie set]

Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”

*actors look around confused as heck*

[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]

witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*

This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.

Me: how much for the goth harmonica?

Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater

Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴

If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder

[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real

Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.

Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.

When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?

*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?

Pro debating tip:

Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.

Me: Can you describe the suspect?

Him: He was heavily armed

Me *writing octopus* this is bad

I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?

I missed you with all my darts

I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long

Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…