Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.

piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.

I occasionally drink every single night.

[Weights bench at the gym]

ME: …327…328…329…

PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise

4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.

Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.

I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.

I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.

I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.

What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.

So Ravenclaw.

The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky

Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼

*his phone rings*

Me: who is she?

Him: huh

Me: who is Potential Spam!?

*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*

Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.

5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?

Me: After lunch time

5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now

When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.

Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head

Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.

Burger King: A king.

Wendy’s: A joyous child.

Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.

Chairman:

Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?

By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”

Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.

[olive garden]

HOST: when you’re here you’re family

DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes

Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”

“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”

My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…

LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-

*my phone battery dies*

ME: omg

WIFE: omg

ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me

My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.

Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency

So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.

Nolege is power biches!