You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
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*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Grandmother clock.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.