My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
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Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex