Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out

Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.

not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?

Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!

nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?

Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.

Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips

her: i’m leaving u

me: bc of my drinking puns

her: yes

me: alcohol u tomorrow

I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.

baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou

Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard

[at a dinner party]

Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?

Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*

Me: you’re all blocking the table

3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?

Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.

Her: *5 paragraphs of text

Me: 👍

Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.

Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.

Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.

“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”

The future:

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.