I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
You Might Also Like
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.