[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
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SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
A new cook asked the head chef what beer to use for boiling the brats and was told “the worst beer we have.”
But, why sir?
Chef: yes
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.