Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.

When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.

The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75

LMAO.

Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert

Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.

[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”

[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”

How deep is your love?
Please show all work.

A little too much information.

My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down

Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S

Him: why do you keep poking me ?

Her: I’m looking for the mute button

Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.

Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty

Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.

Now who’s stupid? They are!

When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:

richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.

I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.

Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?

Roman: Just the one, thanks

Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit