Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.

4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.

Me: What’s wrong baby girl?

4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.

[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes

Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor

Airport security:…

Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.

Batman v Dracula

I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing

New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App

Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker

What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.

I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.

*bludgeons you with a block of cheese

*eats evidence

#SometimesForFun I update signs at work

“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?

Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive

Me: can I just text them

My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.

ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked

[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?

boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude

[God & his assistant making giraffes]

ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?

*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.

I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”

The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.

Satan: welcome to your own hell where…

me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉

Satan:…everyones a comedian.

me: haha i just like to keep it light.

Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.

me: oh god