Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”

I have a firm understanding of basic math.

Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.

Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.

So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.

Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.

my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”

I’m tired tomorrow.

Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end

Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!

I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.

if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo

I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

him: anything to declare

me: i don’t really like soup

everyone else in customs: [GASP]

I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”

[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day

Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.

never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

GENIE: you have three wishes

ME: make math go away

GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house

ME: oh so I still get three wishes?

GENIE: huh?

ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns

Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational

ANGEL: ok cool

GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.

Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.

Dog: No, I’m mad at you.

I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas