Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
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Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
#Caturday
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Family Celebrity
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Revenge served cold
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.