Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.

No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity

English: i before e, except after c.

Science: Ummmm, No.

Who’s ready for Friday?!

[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real

[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…

[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.

A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.

Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

[Speed Dating]

People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?

The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.

if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet

I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.

I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”

The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems

Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?

random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!

THERAPIST: You need more friends

ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week

THERAPIST: …

ME: …

THERAPIST: … So all of these-

ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys

“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza

Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned

I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.

doctor: can you describe the pain?

me: i have a knife sticking into me

doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain

me: sharp

doctor: like a knife?

me: yes, exactly that

doctor: *proudly* its my first day

If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.