Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
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me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Salad is the decaf of food.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Been trying to expand my vocabulary so I got an app that sends you a word each morning to try and use in conversation that day but I work from home so now I’m just dropping texts in the group chat like, so the ending of Nosferatu was pretty lachrymose wouldn’t you say?
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Beauty and the Beast
petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…