My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
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wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.