People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
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[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
🙂🙃🥹
“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”
Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.