my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
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Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
#TopTip
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
they see me scrollin
just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?