Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless

For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.

I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.

STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day

her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours

JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*

If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.

Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?

[me as a snake handler]

Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.

People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete

Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor

Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*

My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.

I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.

*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous

4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

Wife: I find him very patronising.

Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.

Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.

I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off

Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God

“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”

He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s

It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.

Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.

My coworker just told me this funny joke.

A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.

Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.