Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?

Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator

Me: *puts book down*

Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…

Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.

what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus

If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.

kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back

dad: oh god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun

Cop: do you know why I stopped…

Me: *holding up hand for a high five*

Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…

Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*

Cop: what are you, Umm

Me: *i hold eye contact* hi

Cop: *blushing* hi lol

When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me

she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face

My husband: *finishes vacuuming*

Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.

-Disney

me: do you sell ducks?

him: yes, but they’re going quick

me: ok I’ll take one

[later]
duck: quick
me: I see

Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks

[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass

[creation of bats]

God: stretch out that mouse

For when Tinder doesn’t work

Follow me for more recipes

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.

ME: can I ask one last question

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot

[gunshots]

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck

I sleep like a baby at night…

…a baby with a terrible secret.

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent

It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’