Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.

*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys

The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.

Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.

Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.

As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.

3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.

Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk

My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.

The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.

Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes

When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.

10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.

I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose

drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up

Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”

Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.

I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.

great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog

Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.

You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.