Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.

Operator: 911

Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?

O: Relax sir, is this her first born?

Me: No, this is her husband.

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently

I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.

Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.

I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.

girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction

me: where did that come from

*Googles Yahoo*

Google: Wow. I’m right here

When does CPR become necrophilia?

I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…

There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?

Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.

This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.

Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.

Me: let’s take those jeans!

Her: idk, that’s stealing

Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice

Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed

*during an argument

**command Z, command Z

Well damn, that didn’t work

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.

doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?

me: yes

doctor: and how about this?

me: yes

doctor: and what about this?

me: please stop kissing my mom

Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?

Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-

Me: *slams door*

Cop: Pullover!

Me: It’s a cardigan.

Cow it started Cow it’s going

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]

What do you mean isolated and unstable?

Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.

Universe: Humble her.

Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”

70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.

you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too

I’m an asshole.

Sent from my Apple Watch

idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*