most whales are bigger than a strawberry
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Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices