You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
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Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.