Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”

[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.

doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015

a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready

I’d … I’d rather not.

Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.

A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.

I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.

rich people: be like me, invest in stocks

also rich people: no not like that

I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane

Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.

Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35

You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:

“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.

[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??

My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.

two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet

*leads a conga line off of a bridge

Iron Man: *eats chips*

Ant Man: *eats microchips*

A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.

We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign

I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.

If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.

FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??

FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?

FamousJerk: H lp m l n!

My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.

My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.