I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
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some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet