*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
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People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Dr: do you eat healthy?
Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales
Dr:
Me: the hummuses
Dr: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
cat vs inanimate object
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
So we got a goldfish…
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.