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Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?
My husband:
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
How dude HOW?!
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?
Grow up
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget
McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,