Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
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My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.