Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
You Might Also Like
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Saw your ex at the shops
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*